On jealousy, and honouring your freedom

I think often about Jealousy. A question on OK Cupid asks: "Do you think Jealousy is healthy in a relationship?" Once upon a time I would have answered: no. But my views have changed - jealousy as an experience is absolutely healthy, as all emotions must be felt and not denied. To deny them is to risk giving them a secret power to control your life by burying them in your subconscious.

The experience of jealousy is valuable. In my view jealousy is not a command, it is a guide or reminder. To me jealousy is an emotion that lets you know that you fear losing something important to you. This is important to feel. It neither tells you that you *ARE* losing something important to you nor what to do about it.

When we do not want to share the experience of our lover or partner with other people, it is in my opinion a reflection on the one hand of our own insecurities and fear of loss, and on the other hand an expression of how much we cherish the other. Both are useful to pay attention to.

Neither must be given free reign to command our decisions: we neither wish to live based on our insecurities, nor demand that a being be ours to possess simply by virtue of the depth of feeling we have for them.

Nor should either be ignored: we must listen to our fears, and find means to provide for ourselves security, as a prerequisite to learning to let go of our fears, or at the very least learn how to navigate them without being commanded by them.

At the same time, we must not deny that we love the other for fear of later experiencing loss. We *do* cherish the other. We must remember this. If we deny love, I believe we are in trouble.

However in our culture people tend to mean being possessive by jealousy. I don't want to possess anyone (even if sometimes a part of me does). I don't think the current (patriarchal-capitalist) cultural norm around jealousy as possession is healthy in a relationship.

But jealousy? Yes. I am grateful for my jealousy. Jealousy reminds me to pay attention. When a lover spends time with another I might feel happy for them, or I might feel nothing in particular (although I always feel blessed delight that they tell me about it). If I feel jealous, then I know I have not paid attention to some insecurity in me. Sometimes the cause of this insecurity is indeed the way that my lover is treating me: perhaps not listening to me, or giving me time or love that I have come to hope or expect from them. Sometimes jealousy asks me to examine if I wish to continue in the relationship.

Sometimes jealousy is like a spice. Sometimes 'my' lover has been away from me, and jealousy reminds me how much I have missed them. I choose to let go of the recriminations and fear of abandonment. The knowledge that they came home to me is the spicier, the more interesting for the knowledge that they didn't have to. They've been away, perhaps with another. Sometimes in their energy I sense another's presence. At first it is uncomfortable and I feel jealous. And then I recognise that (so long as this other presence is nourishing) my lover has explored a different flavour of love. By their presence with me they are introducing me to new tastes, new meanings, new explorations of love.

Sometimes when my lover has been with another I wish to be possessive and make them mine again. I allow the kink, I explore this sense in communication with my lover, I enjoy the rush of reconnection that this affords. I observe this desire in me, and I give it expression, and by doing so I hope that I will not give it the power that it might gain under the cover of repression and denial. I am not perfect, and sometimes I seek to possess my lovers. This is part of me.

Jealousy reminds me to communicate my needs. Ultimately it is me who must choose to understand this situation and communicate it to them or not. It is my responsibility to examine (and dismantle, when appropriate) my expectations. If I find within them a need that requires communciation, it is my responsibility to communicate it.

Sometimes it reminds me that I have self work to do, and it reminds me that this being is precious to me, and so if I wish to continue to share in their light, I must work harder to be worthy of it, to reflect it and shine my light for them too.

Love to me is the continuous practice of learning to honour another person's freedom.

Jealousy reminds me, sometimes, that I am not honouring their freedom. That instead perhaps I hate their freedom, that I fear their freedom, that I fear that one day they will no longer choose to share their light with me.

I do not possess you, even if sometimes I have wished to. Jealousy reminds me that sometimes I wish to. But I know that possessing you would deny your freedom. I love your freedom more than I love your light, for freedom is the flame that emits the light of love. Love that is commanded turns to scorn and hate and darkness. A flame knows only that it must dance. If through your possession, through your command of the other's light, you try and prevent their flame from dancing, then there is no good outcome: Maybe you will be burned, and maybe the fire will go out. You will find yourself in pain and darkness.

Every day that I work to make myself strong enough to live without their light is a day that I am honouring the freedom of the flame which emits it. I have found that doing so has nourished me in a thousand unpronouncable ways.